This is my first time using a blog. I have heard of them, and have been curious to see how this might help someone out there. So, I pray this is as much fun for you, as I hope it will be for me. My "virtual diary" so to speak.
I am 47 years old, born in New York in 1961. I lived most of my life in New York, first in Jamaica, Queens, and then after getting married, moving to Long Island. I have travelled through my life, seen many places, met many people, but right now I have to say I love living in Florda. I don't know if it is because here I found God, or because as I get older, I love the warmer weather, but I love it.
So I guess I will begin with my love of God, which is first and foremost in my life now. It was not always that way. I went from church to church, looking for something- though I never knew what, or where I would find it. I went to all different kinds of churches in my life, from Baptist where I was an alter girl, to Episcopalian, Luthern, Buddhist, Mormom, Catholic.....you name it, I went there. I sat, I listened, I read. Every time I opened the bible, it was a jumble of words that held no meaning, no depth, no life for me. I would sit in church after church, some were ok, others literally put me to sleep. I would leave with more questions then I walked in with.
One day when I was 19, I was in NYC and just pretty much acting like a tourist, looking for places to see. I am a history buff, and love old places, places that hold the secrets of the past and where we have come from. So, I went to St. John's the Divine in Harlem. I walked in, and literally, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the awesome power of God. I was humbled, I was inspired, I was intrigued. It brought to me, how huge God is, and how much power He had. I wanted to know Him. I wanted to find Him. Coming to this church would not be feasible because of work, and school. But at that moment, I wanted to find God. And I started to look.
There were many times over the years I thought I found Him. But it would not be so. When I married my first husband, his mother was born-again (or so I believed) and I went with her to churches. The churches she took me to literally scared me. I would see people possessed, falling on the ground, slain in the spirit, and I had NO CLUE what was going on. I remember one church, I saw a young woman being led up to the front and as she walked past me, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew she was truly possessed way down deep inside of me. As she went up to the front, I ran to the bathrooms where I sat in a stall and cried. I was terrified at what I was seeing, but inside me I knew it to be truth.
One church I went to was large, and had awesome praise and worship. It was enlarge congregation and I believed that meant they knew God and what He was all about. I thought "Wow" I found Him!". Was I wrong. This church encouraged me to get involved in bible study, and prayer counseling right away. The prayer counseling was pretty cool and I have to share this story with you.
Prayer counseling is where you go and meet with two members in the church and they pray over you. While they pray, you are told to also pray and allow God to "speak" to you. Sometimes it will be a clear vision. I was going through separation with my husband at that time, and was not sure if it was the right thing to do and wanted to know for sure. So I went for prayer. AS they began to pray over me, I felt a warmth from them, that covered me and I felt at peace and relaxed. As I prayed to myself, I began to see a picture forming in my mind, like a movie playing out.
There was a man, elderly, long white beard, long robe of a plain fabric and a staff in his hand. Looked like Moses. He stood off a way from me and was beckoning to me to follow him. As I went to him, I turned to my left,and there was my now ex-husband, standing off to the side. I waved to him and beckoned for him to follow as well. He just stood there. I waved to him again to follow, and he just stood there. I walked towards the old man, and looked back once more to beckon my ex-husband to come. He just stood there, with no expression on his face. I was becoming concerned because I did not want to leave him behind.
Then from behind my ex-husband, through a mist, came out the biggest, blackest panther, with glowing green eyes. It was so black, and had an evil aura around it. It truly scared me, and now I wanted my ex to come away from this beast. But, instead of walking away from the beast, he turned and walked away with it. I was so sad for him, but I understood in that moment what it meant. Our paths were so very different. We got divorced.
Here is where God is good. A couple years later my kids were telling me how daddy got a new tattoo. And it was of a Black Panther, that wrapped around his calf. I was truly amazed, but knew that was confirmation of my vision during prayer.
That was the good event to come from that church. The bad one was the hypocrisy that surfaced and caused me to leave. While I was going threough my separation, they told me that according to scripture I should pray for my husband and my marriage. That I should ask God to keep my husband with me- even though he was verbally abusive, and we clearly did not belong together. At the same time they were encouraging me to date and to look for a man in the church. To say I was confused would be putting it mildly. I left that church and continued to look for God.
Years went by and I was pulled away from my search. I became immersed in being a single mom, going back to school, and providing for my kids. I was always aware of the huge gaping hole that existed in me, and how it never seemed to be filled by anything. I stopped looking for churches, and was happily going along in the thought that as long as I did nothing really bad, and was a good person, God would "understand".
So, I got involved with men in a bad way, being used by a married man, got involved with a man who had no intentions of marrying me because I had kids. Got married a second time, to a man that after we got married, turned out to be more abusive then my first husband, and was a pervert on top of that. He loved to indulge in porn, and that sickened me. I got divorced yet again. This time was different, as his name was on the house. So we had to sell the house, and at that time, I could not afford to live in NY. So we came to Florida.
Moving away from NY was traumatic enough- I had lived there my whole life. But dragging three kicking and screaming teens who swore their lives were over and that Florida would suck was the fight of a lifetime! Once we got here, then they had to get acclimated to school make new friends, and of course, I was the mean mother who made them come here! LOL Talk about fighting all the way. The first year here was a nightmare, getting them acclimated, finding a job, and starting to work. Then, when I thought it could get no worse......it did.
After living here for 6 months or so, I noticed a lump in my right breast. You guessed it! Cancer reared it's ugly head, and made itself known to me. I had to go for surgery for a partial lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation. All this while still working. After the third round of chemo, my bosses "laid me off" because I could no longer function in my job. I went through all this with a smile on my face, and strength from within, that I had no idea where that strength came from, but I now know.
After the first year, I began to slowly recover. Came back from chemo with a new lease on life. Nothing like the threat of death to wake you up to how amazing life is. My favorite song now is Tim McGraws "Live like you are dying". It speaks a lot of truth. I got the motorcycle I had always dreamed of, and never had the courage to get. I drove it for two years, and loved my life. Then one day, a friend of mine died. This was when God stepped into my life, and showed me where I was suppose to be going.
Randy was only 32 when he died. For the rest of my life, I will always remember him. He loved his wife, his kids, and worked hard to provide for them. He would go out, and laugh and dance, and have fun. He was a Christian, which was a good thing, and attended church regularly. One day, while sitting at his computer, he suffered a major heart attack, and died on the kitchen floor. His son found him. It was truly a sad day for all who knew him. What got me, was sitting at his funeral, as I listened to the Pastor speak, I was thinking about my life. What would they say about me when I am gone? Who would come to my funeral? What legacy have I left for my kids? I realized sitting there, I needed to find my way to God.
Keith was a friend of Randy.....and I knew him through Randy and Randy's wife Cindy. I mentioned to him that I needed to find my way to God. He told me of a small church he was a member of, and that I should go there, and see if I liked it. No hard sell....no persistent phone calls. Just a simple invitation, and the seed was planted. God uses moments like that to change people's lives, and it is not until you look back, do you realize what He has done.
Through death, I would find life. Through a sad loss, God would turn it into a joyful gain. I began my journey to find God and to see the miracles He would manifest in my life every day. Through this blog, I hope to share my journey, and help you to find God's miracles in your life.
God Bless, and I hope you will enjoy this journey with me!
No comments:
Post a Comment